According to my internet-wizard-box, all of the following accounts of criminal activity made the news within the last month, and most within the last 48 hours:

Teachers in Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida, Alabama, Louisiana, California, and Delaware arrested for sex with minors within the last 48 hours.

A lawyer in Vidalia, Georgia was arrested for stealing $500,000.

A speech therapist in Louisiana was arrested for having sex with high school students.

A grocery store employee in Bradenton, Florida was arrested for selling illegal drugs.

Three teenagers were arrested for shooting and killing a 69 year old women in Mississippi.

Dustin Diamond, better known as “Screech” in the early 1990s sitcom “Saved by the Bell,” was arrested for stabbing a man in a bar.

A mother in Denver was arrested for DUI, assaulting a police officer and leaving her 11 month old child at home alone.

A fireman in Aurora, Illinois was arrested for punching a bartender.

A physician in Acoma Pueblo, N.M., was arrested yesterday by the FBI on federal child pornography charges.

An RN was arrested in Tuscaloosa, Alabama for punching a 95 year old nursing home resident in the face.

A pharmacist was arrested on Jan. 14 for stealing morphine and other drugs from a Hoboken hospital. Several pharmacists in Boston were arrested for selling medications that have resulted deaths of 64 people and the illnesses of more than 700 in 20 states.

A farmer in Oklahoma was arrested for using a computer network to threaten to commit acts of violence. Specifically, he threatened to kill a school security guard and teacher.

Individuals drove recklessly on I-75, I-85, I-285, I-20, and 400.

Yesterday, crimes were committed in all 50 states and on ALL but one of the seven continents.

There can only be one conclusion…four actually:

With this information, all gathered from the most reliable sources*, we can safely and specifically generalize that the aforementioned types of people are bad.

We should, therefore, denounce all lawyers, judges (everyone in the criminal justice system really), speech therapists, grocery store employees, teenagers, actors and actresses, mothers, firemen, doctors, nurses, pharmacists, teachers, and farmers.

Furthermore, we should, from this day forward, boycott judicial and law enforcement services, grocery stores, schools and colleges and universities, hospitals and medical establishments, television programs and movies, interstates and highways, cars, teen-agers and moms (sorry Debbie and Jack), and the services of fireman, doctors, nurses and pharmacists, and all goods produced by farms (dairy, chicken, cattle, fruit, vegetable).

Move to Antarctica (unless you’re in one of the aforementioned categories).

*Internet Pages



  1. John Slagle Says:

    You wouldn’t mind moving to Antarctia. You love the cold

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